And if I ever see you again, my love

Tokyo, 1956

Time always seemed to slow down on a tram.

It took 47 minutes from home to Hokuto’s work place in Shinjuku. The way was a bit long and winding but it required only one tram so Hokuto usually opted for that instead of trains or buses or, for heaven’s sake, the subway.

Hokuto liked sitting on a tram, liked the special mood of it: how it rattled away, gliding through the bustling traffic, the rails screeching and the bells jingling. Hokuto never got tired of watching the busy Tokyo from the windows, people who scurried around like ants and endless lines of cars on endless busy streets. The colors, the noises, the smells; the huge signs, pictures and ads on buildings that just got bigger and taller as the city continued to grow around him. Being from a small town in Shizuoka, the greatness of the capital never ceased to amaze him.

During the long commutes, when he wasn’t staring out of the window or napping, Hokuto liked to read or just watch people around him. That day, he had forgotten his book home, so his eyes strayed to his fellow passengers instead; an old lady in a blue kimono, a pair of younger women in latest western-style checkered shirts, white blouses and petite heels, a couple of school children in their uniforms. There were also countless other salarymen in suits, most of them either nodding off in their seats or flocking near the doors.

While watching them, Hokuto laid his eyes on a young man in a light grey suit who also stood near the doors. The man carried a leather briefcase and looked bored, staring into the distance. When he got off in Western Shinjuku, he suddenly locked eyes with Hokuto, and Hokuto immediately averted his gaze, feeling weirdly embarrassed. For the rest of the way, he kept his eyes out of the window.

Hokuto worked in the financial department of an automotive company, a job that had been a good catch for a clueless country boy like him. The company was stable and growing, and with the salary he was able to provide for him and his wife Aiko, and their hopefully growing family in the future. The work was busy and the days were long but Hokuto liked his position nonetheless. His coworkers were friendly, like Hamada who was originally from Kansai and never forgot to ask how Hokuto and his wife were doing in their new life.

“Have you settled well in Tokyo? How is your apartment? Is the area nice?” And so on.

After a full day of accounting and reports, and dodging his coworkers' invitations of after-work drinks, Hokuto headed home on the same tram line. During the evening commute, he often nodded off against the window.

At home, his wife Aiko had prepared dinner as usual. They almost always ate together, unless Hokuto stayed overtime or went drinking with other workers. On those occasions, she was already asleep when he got home but the food was always neatly packed and stored in the fridge, waiting for him.

Hokuto opened the metal door to their small apartment and was greeted with a cozy smell of dinner.

“I’m home,” he called, like always.

“Welcome back,” his wife answered, like always.

They ate, briefly sharing about their day with each other, and after that Hokuto usually smoked a cigarette on their small balcony, took a bath and listened to the radio or read before sleeping. So were most of his days.

A week passed by unnoticed.

One morning on his way to work, Hokuto sat on the same tram, again watching the scenery and other passengers to pass the time. Before long, his eyes strayed to a man who was standing nearby with his back towards him. The man was wearing dress pants and a black-and-white striped shirt with a dark vest. Hokuto stared at him, carelessly letting his eyes travel up and down, admiring the lines of the shoulders and the waist, along with the butt in the nicely tight pants.

Hokuto was deep in his thoughts, now staring at the neatly cut hair at the nape of the man’s neck, when the stranger abruptly turned around. Hokuto was now looking straight into his eyes. He blinked and immediately turned away, feeling his face heating up. But as he fixed his eyes on the streets and buildings outside, Hokuto felt a weird hunch and quickly glanced at the man again.

And indeed, it was the same man he’d seen on the tram before – the man in a light grey suit who’d met his eyes by chance. And now, the man was still looking at Hokuto. Unlike him, the man didn’t seem bothered by the situation at all, but boldly returned his gaze.

Now that Hokuto saw him properly, he realized how handsome the stranger was. He had fair and elegant features with high cheekbones and pretty eyes. The eyes that now keenly watched him, almost bored through him. Hokuto suddenly felt hot in his suit.

He glanced away – and back again after a couple of seconds.

The man tilted his head ever so slightly, the fine arch of his brows rising a bit. His look was so open and intense, almost like an invitation…

The tram came to a stop and the doors opened with a creak.

The man turned towards the doors to get off, but before that he gave Hokuto a final look. Eyes locked with his, he jerked his head a little.

Follow me.

Confused, Hokuto looked at the stop and the surroundings. They were in Western Shinjuku, near a big park whose name Hokuto didn’t know. He saw the huge trees and their green shadows, and hastily glanced at the man again.

Ever so slightly, Hokuto shook his head.

The man remained expressionless and simply turned away. Hokuto watched him get off the tram and disappear into the crowd yet again. The doors creaked shut and the tram took off with a twitch and a jingle of the bell.

It took a couple of stops for Hokuto’s hammering heart to calm down again.

For the rest of the day his thoughts were occupied by the handsome stranger on the tram.

—

On his way home a couple of days later, Hokuto instinctively perked up when the tram approached the stop by the park in Western Shinjuku. It was now impossible for him to pass it without thinking about the handsome stranger. Hokuto hadn’t seen him since.

He couldn’t decide if he was disappointed or relieved about that.

The tram’s brakes screeched as it halted at the stop. Hokuto watched the doors open and a couple of people get off, and before he knew it, he’d stood up and jumped out in their wake. The tram doors shut behind him with a rattle and the carriage took off again.

Hokuto stood at the stop for a moment and looked at the park that loomed across the road. He couldn’t explain it. It was late and he really should be heading home, he knew his wife was waiting for him with dinner like always.

Curiosity got the best of him.

Hokuto crossed the road and entered the park, trying to look determined and like someone with a destination instead of lost and unsure like he really felt. He randomly started following a road that seemed to circle around the park on the left side. The park was already quiet at that hour, but the road he’d chosen seemed completely deserted.

It was dark and the only light came from bleak street lamps that stood far apart. Hokuto walked from one yellow circle to another, looking around to the long shadows under the trees. The longer he walked, the quieter it became when the noise of the traffic was left behind.

After a curve, Hokuto suddenly spotted a lone figure ahead of him. It looked like a salaryman who was briskly walking off. Hokuto didn’t think anything about it, until he suddenly saw another man appearing on the road. It was like he’d materialized out of nowhere, suddenly walking into the yellow light circle. He was walking towards Hokuto, also looking like he was in a hurry. He was carrying a briefcase and hastily adjusting his suit jacket and tie. A brimmed hat shadowed his face when he passed Hokuto.

Now glancing around even more, Hokuto walked past the spot where he’d first seen the man appear. He must’ve come from the small sort-of forest that grew by the road.

Hokuto’s suspicions grew when after some hundred meters, he clearly heard footsteps somewhere in the shadows. He thought he heard other muffled noises as well, something he probably shouldn’t, so he hurried his steps, slightly alarmed.

He returned to a bigger road and speed-walked out of the park, imagination running wild despite himself.

Aiko had already gone to sleep when Hokuto finally got home. He managed to eat half of the dinner she’d left for him and after that, laid down on the futon next to her.

In the darkness, Hokuto closed his eyes, thinking about the handsome stranger on the tram, his clear invitation, and the deep, dark shadows in the park. Biting his lip, he slipped a hand in his underwear and jerked off to the thoughts.

—

It was a mundane Wednesday morning after over a week, and Hokuto was reading a book during his morning commute. The tram stopped at traffic lights, and Hokuto looked up, deep in his thoughts — and almost dropped the book in his hands.

There, by the doors, stood the handsome stranger, in a tailored, expensive looking suit, hair slicked back, a leather case in hand. He was looking straight at Hokuto.

Hokuto met the stranger’s gaze; he kind of felt the need to look away, but didn’t dare, lest the man would suddenly disappear in front of him. He felt a weird tingle all over his body, and his heart was hammering in his ears. He closed the book with shaky hands, gripping it tightly.

The tram approached the stop by the park in Western Shinjuku.

Hokuto instinctively perked up a little, glancing out of the window, then back at the man again. He was also looking outside, giving off a nonchalant, relaxed impression, which was a completely opposite of Hokuto’s current feeling.

The moment the tram started slowing down for the stop, the man turned to meet Hokuto’s eyes again. A shiver ran through him as the stranger, yet again, tilted his head and raised his brows.

And this time, Hokuto gave the man a subtle nod and stood up.

Legs feeling like jelly and his heart still racing, Hokuto got off the tram after the man, ignoring a small voice at the back of his mind screaming how he’d be late for work now. He pushed the thought aside and followed the man – across the road and into the park.

Hokuto made sure to trail some five meters behind the man to not look too suspicious. The stranger walked quickly, but did glance over his shoulder from time to time to check that Hokuto was still behind him. He took the same road Hokuto had walked at night sometime ago; it was surprisingly empty even in the morning.

Ahead of him Hokuto saw the man glancing around quickly, and then he stepped out of the road and under the trees. Hokuto hurried after him.

Leaves rustled under his steps as he followed the man’s back between trees and bushes, deep into the green shadows. They couldn’t get that far; Hokuto could still make out the park road between leaves and trunks, but he quickly forgot about that, when a hand grabbed his arm and pulled him behind a particularly thick tree trunk.

The handsome stranger stood in front of him, suddenly so close, and for a moment Hokuto could only look at his fine features.

“You finally came,” the man said after a moment. His voice was soft, somehow melodic. “Is it your… first time?”

Hokuto nodded. “Y-yes.”

“In that case, may I…?”

The man put down the case he’d been carrying, and pulled out a folded newspaper inside his jacket. He opened the paper and dropped it on the ground between them before leaning closer to Hokuto.

Hokuto’s back pressed against the tree trunk as the man huddled closer, his breath fanning against Hokuto’s cheek and the smell of his cologne enveloping him.

And when Hokuto felt the man’s hands on his belt, unbuckling it and slipping inside his pants, his breath hitched and all his blood rushed south. He bit down on his lip, hard, but a moan escaped his throat nonetheless when he felt the man’s hand on his growing erection.

“Try to keep quiet?” The man said, and Hokuto saw a small smile playing on his lips. “We’re unfortunately not that far.”

Hokuto just nodded and concentrated harder as the man stroked him firmly, quickly. He could have, would have, easily come just like that, but suddenly the man let go — and dropped to his knees in front of him, throwing Hokuto off guard.

Then, he felt the man’s tongue, lips, mouth on his dick and he let out a choked gasp. As the handsome stranger took Hokuto into his mouth all the way, he closed his eyes and used all his willpower to keep quiet. Hokuto wasn’t sure if it was because the man was amazing at what he was doing or because of all the new exploding sensations, but the warmth, speed and just right amount of suction on his dick were absolutely overwhelming.

Before Hokuto knew, he was already coming, spilling in the man’s mouth with a low grunt he wasn’t able to suppress. He would’ve wanted to shout, to scream, that’s how amazing the rush of the sudden orgasm felt. Hokuto rested all his weight against the tree, his legs feeling a bit wobbly.

The man swiftly wiped his mouth and stood up, picking up the newspaper as he did and folding it back inside his jacket. He glanced at Hokuto quickly with that same small smile on his lips, nodding his head a bit.

“Well then,” he said and was already turning away before Hokuto found his voice again.

“Wait!” he said hastily. “Do you, um, work around here perhaps? As we always seem to meet on the same tram.”

“You could say that,” the man answered mysteriously. “Why do you ask?”

Hokuto felt his face burning, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to let the man slip away from him again.

“If I… wanted to see you again?”

The stranger’s eyes were piercing but his smile was warm and pleased.

“I can easily get here in the morning before nine, during the usual lunch hour, or then late in the evening.”

That day, Hokuto was over an hour late for work, and told Hamada and his supervisor it was because the tram had broken down. They didn’t question it.

Hokuto started taking an earlier tram to work so he could stop by the park on his way and not be late. Some days, he rushed to the park during lunch hour, but that was a bit too long a trip for the thirty minutes he had, and going the whole day without a proper lunch was difficult, even if it meant a good blowjob in return.

The best times for them to meet at the park were after work hours, if Hokuto was able to avoid overtime and after-work drinks with the team.

By their third meeting, Hokuto finally gathered enough courage to ask the stranger’s name. The man was quiet for so long Hokuto first thought he wouldn’t answer, but then.

”I’m Kyomoto Taiga.”

Taiga.

What a handsome name for a handsome man.

”I’m Matsumura Hokuto. Nice to meet you.”

The man gave him a small smile and was about to kneel before him again, but Hokuto grabbed his arm to stop him. Instead, he reached out a tentative hand and slipped it past the man’s — Taiga’s — jacket lapels. When he wasn’t stopped, he cupped Taiga’s crotch through his dress pants and was surprised to hear the other hiss by his ear.

Hokuto rubbed him through the fabric and felt Taiga harden under his fingers. It was a peculiar yet thrilling feeling; to know that he could arouse the other man as much as he aroused Hokuto.

Taiga slipped his own hands past Hokuto’s and swiftly opened his belt and pants. He gave Hokuto an encouraging nod and then suddenly buried his face into his neck when Hokuto wrapped his fingers around Taiga’s cock. He suddenly felt very self-conscious and hesitant, but tried his best to jerk Taiga off like he would himself, and judging by the soft panting and muffled words of encouragement from Taiga, he was doing alright.

“Aaah yes, a bit quicker… Just like that…”

So Hokuto picked up his pace, and soon he felt Taiga’s cock pulsing and leaking in his hand, and heard his muffled moan against his jacket. And when Taiga pulled him into a sloppy kiss right after, his fingers now stroking Hokuto’s hard-on through his pants, it was already enough to make him come, straight into his underwear like some teenager.

They fell into a rhythm of meeting once or twice a week. Sometimes Hokuto went to the park and waited for quite a while but Taiga just didn’t show up. He usually gave up after twenty minutes or so, briskly walking back to the tram stop and avoiding curious and peering eyes from other men he passed on his way. While he understood that the other was probably held off by an urgent work matter, he couldn’t help feeling disappointed every time it happened.

The disappointment lingered every day until their next meeting and dissolved only when Hokuto saw Taiga on the tram or walking towards him on the park road. At those times, Hokuto kissed him particularly deeply or pressed even closer than usual.

The evening meetings were nice since neither of them were in a hurry. Sometimes, it was already close to midnight when Hokuto finally got home after them. Often, he tried eating the long-overdue dinner Aiko had made him and put in the fridge, but some nights he just fell straight to bed.

That night, it was half past eleven, and Hokuto had just shrugged off his jacket and tiptoed into the kitchen-living room area, pondering whether he had an appetite or not.

“Why do you come home so late lately?”

Aiko’s sudden voice from the darkness startled Hokuto. He clicked on the kitchen light and saw his wife standing in the bedroom doorway.

“Why are you still awake?” Hokuto asked, avoiding the question.

“I was waiting for you.” Her voice was accusing.

Hokuto sighed. “Well, you don’t have to. I’ve told you I have to stay and drink if my superiors insist.”

“They go drinking this often? Every week?”

“Yes.”

Hokuto looked at his wife. He felt his cheeks growing warm but he hoped Aiko wouldn’t notice anything in the poor lighting. She stared at him for a couple of seconds, then heaved a sigh and turned back into the bedroom. Hokuto could feel her disappointment and displeasure.

And yet, when he laid down to sleep on his futon, all he could think about was Taiga — his handsome features, hands on his cock, lips against his, the lovely and maddening pants and moans as Hokuto jerked him off.

—

Guitar and piano tunes carried faintly from the door every time it was opened. In and out walked well-dressed older people in pairs or small groups.

Hokuto loitered near the door, gathering courage to step in. He glanced again at the name by the door, Jazz bar Blue Note, and then dug out a folded piece of paper from his suit pocket. He opened the paper and read over the words on it for the hundredth time.

let’s meet at the jazz bar blue note on thursday at 7? i’ll wait for you at the counter

Taiga had slipped him the paper at the end of their last park encounter on Monday. Hokuto had read it on his way to the tram stop and his heart had jumped at the sudden suggestion. They had yet to meet anywhere besides the park or the tram. The thought of seeing Taiga casually like that felt thrilling.

During the coming days, Hokuto kept touching and rereading the small note over and over again while counting down days and hours until Thursday evening. The thrill and excitement accumulated during the boring work week.

Now, when the time had finally come, Hokuto actually felt a bit nauseous. The thrill was mixed with nervousness. But he had come this far, he absolutely wouldn’t let himself chicken out now. He wanted to meet Taiga. Hokuto exhaled slowly, slipped the paper back in his pocket and saw yet another fine-looking pair approaching the bar. He watched them open the door and forced himself to enter in their tow.

Once in, Hokuto was enveloped in hazy, orange dimness and cigarette smoke. The space looked cozy and atmospheric with a dark interior and a soft glow of lamps and candles all around. Hokuto saw countless tables full of people and at the back a small stage with a band playing. He followed the couple further in and finally spotted the bar counter at the opposite wall.

And there sat Taiga. Hokuto could immediately recognize him even in the dim lighting; the line of his shoulders, the slicked back hair, the dark pinstriped suit. Hokuto could feel his pulse quickening as he made his way towards the counter.

“Good evening,” he greeted as he sat down on the vacant bar stool next to Taiga.

Taiga turned to him, a cigarette and a smile on his lips. “You came.”

“You sound surprised,” Hokuto retorted. The other didn’t have to know for how long he had hesitated outside.

“No, no,” Taiga denied lightly. “I’m just glad. What do you drink?”

“Um…” Hokuto eyed the endless row of bottles on the back wall. He wasn’t that knowledgeable about alcohol, he rarely drank anything other than beer.

“Do you have any recommendations?”

“They have an excellent wine selection,” Taiga said. “I was thinking of having a glass of French pinot noir.”

“I’ll take the same,” Hokuto said. “I trust your taste.”

Taiga smiled. “Why, thank you. You haven’t been here before?”

“No. I don’t really come to places like this…”

“Oh? Well, I hope it’s not unpleasant. I sometimes drop by since the office is near. I quite like the music.”

Taiga ordered their drinks and offered Hokuto a cigarette from his pack. Hokuto took a long drag of it before tasting the wine. It was rich but strong, and Hokuto sipped at it carefully. After a couple of mouthfuls and puffs, the warm relaxing feeling spread through him and gradually washed away the earlier nervousness.

What Hokuto couldn’t shake off, though, was the surreal feeling. There he was, sitting and smoking at a fancy jazz bar with the handsome, mysterious man he had so far been seeing in the shadows of the park. Now the man was there, right beside him, in front of all these people. He was chatting with him, smiling at him. Hokuto could’ve touched him, craved to touch him, but there was an invisible wall making it impossible.

Taiga was ever so friendly yet polite. He carried their conversation but kept it mundane and superficial. They sat close, but not too close, and Hokuto made sure not to lean in or turn towards him too much. He felt like they were acting out a play, for the surrounding people and for themselves. Hokuto wondered if Taiga craved his touch as much as Hokuto did his.

Hokuto didn’t have to wonder long; after stubbing out his cigarette and finishing his wine, Taiga got up, saying he’d go to the toilet quickly. When stepping by Hokuto, Taiga suddenly leaned in to talk to him and Hokuto felt a hand on his thigh. The touch was quick but deliberate, and way too high to be anything but suggestive.

“Meanwhile, you can think if you want to stay here or continue elsewhere,” Taiga said in his ear, and Hokuto caught the whiff of his cologne before he walked off.

Once alone, Hokuto gulped down the rest of his wine at one go. Then, he sat waiting, leg jiggling nervously. He knew exactly what he wanted to do, but…

“Well?” Taiga asked as he returned just then.

Hokuto checked that the bartender wasn’t close by before asking: “Where would we… go?”

Taiga’s smile was content. “I know a place nearby.”

The place turned out to be a shady looking western style hotel. It was on a dim side alley, and the lighted sign by the entrance listed the room prices by hours. To Hokuto it looked very suspicious but Taiga stepped in so confidently he had no choice but to follow.

“Wait for me here,” Taiga told him as they entered, leaving Hokuto in the hallway by an elevator while he walked in from a doorway that was covered by thick black curtains. The other returned mere minutes later, and gestured to Hokuto to step into the elevator.

“What is this place?” Hokuto asked as they rode up to the 8th floor. “This doesn’t look like an ordinary hotel.”

“No, it’s not,” Taiga agreed. “It’s designed especially for shorter visits like ours now. I’ve used it a couple of times and find it the most convenient.”

“Oh, I see.”

He’s used it a couple of times… Does it mean he’s come here with other men, too?

Hokuto’s stomach sank from the thought, though the rational side of him said it was ridiculous. Of course a man like Taiga would’ve had many suitors and lovers over the years, probably even now. It wasn’t like they were exclusive with this weird arrangement of theirs.

The dispiriting thoughts were pushed away from Hokuto’s mind when Taiga led him to their room and closed the door after. Hokuto walked in slowly, his shoes sinking slightly into the soft red carpet that covered the whole floor. The room was very western-like with its bright colors, ornamented wallpaper, framed mirror on the wall and a king size bed with thick pillows and duvet. The room looked almost as big as Hokuto’s whole apartment.

Taiga walked past him, shrugging off his jacket and throwing it on the small sofa that stood beside the bed. He turned towards Hokuto with a smile on his lips.

“Well, what do you think? Here no one will interrupt us.”

Hokuto’s throat was suddenly very dry, and his whole body tingled with anticipation and nervousness. Alone, finally alone with just the two of them.

”It’s nice,” he croaked and suddenly wished he’d have drunk more of that wine to calm his nerves.

Taiga’s smile was soft as he held out his hand, urging Hokuto to walk closer. Hokuto did, taking Taiga’s hand and letting the other man pull him close. He felt Taiga’s fingers on his temple, pushing aside stray strands and caressing his cheek.

”You seem a bit tense,” Taiga observed. ”Everything alright? We don’t have to rush with this, you know.”

”No,” Hokuto said instantly. He met Taiga’s eyes and took a deep, shaky breath.

”I’m alright. And I want this. I want you.”

Saying it out loud like that felt so foreign, yet liberating and arousing. Hokuto almost felt like bursting from the myriad of feelings storming inside him right then. He leaned closer to Taiga and tilted his head against Taiga’s hand that was still cradling his face. Slowly, Taiga ran a thumb along Hokuto’s bottom lip.

”What do you want me to do?”

“To—fuck me.”

Hokuto almost held his breath after uttering the words, observing Taiga’s expression. The other man’s eyes darkened, his gaze piercing and intense as he looked at Hokuto. Then he leaned in and kissed Hokuto slowly, deeply. And for the first time ever, Hokuto let himself fully succumb to the kiss, not having to worry about onlookers like when out in public.

Taiga tasted like the wine, his tongue curling hungrily against Hokuto’s, and he kissed him quite breathless before finally pulling away a little.

“Take off your clothes.”

Hokuto complied. He backed off a step, shrugging off his suit jacket before starting to unbutton his shirt. Meanwhile, Taiga opened his belt and pants, pulling them off. They undressed while watching each other. Hokuto’s eyes raked Taiga’s body hungrily as the layers of the clothes were removed; the smooth fair skin of his arms and upper body, the lean curves of his thighs and calves.

When Hokuto finally pulled down his briefs and released his erection, he saw Taiga looking at him hungrily. Taiga was already naked and half-hard, too. He quickly closed their distance again, pulling Hokuto against himself by the waist. Their crotches rubbed together and Hokuto let out a shaky breath. Taiga reached his hand for Hokuto’s cock and started pumping it slowly. Reciprocally, Hokuto wrapped his fingers around Taiga’s length, stroking him to full hardness.

Taiga sought Hokuto’s lips again, capturing them with open mouthed kisses. He pressed his body even closer, and Hokuto felt him wrapping his hand around both of their cocks at the same time, pumping up and down. Hokuto moaned into Taiga’s mouth.

It felt incredible and unbelievable to be this close to Taiga, skin against skin, when all it had been for them were hasty handjobs and blowjobs, while fully clothed, in the shadows of the park. Now, Hokuto could freely run his hands along Taiga’s arms, sides, back, and all the way down to his ass, to feel and squeeze the skin and muscle under his fingers.

Soon, Hokuto had to grip Taiga’s wrist to stop him. It was all too arousing and he didn’t want to come yet when they’d barely even started.

“Everything alright?” Taiga asked, voice soft and hushed.

Hokuto nodded. He threaded his fingers through Taiga’s hair and rested his forehead against Taiga’s.

“I want you inside me,” Hokuto said. “I want you to fuck me, now.”

Taiga let out a breathy laugh and pecked Hokuto’s lips quickly before pulling him to the bed.

“Lie down and make yourself comfortable,” Taiga whispered into Hokuto’s ear.

Hokuto climbed on the bed and lay down on his back, leaning on his elbows. He was amazed at how soft the bed was – he felt like sinking into the thick mattress. From his spot, he watched Taiga grab a small bottle of some liquid from the side table and turn back towards Hokuto. Again, he just looked at Hokuto for a while, smiling at him.

“You’re so beautiful, I hope you know that,” Taiga said after a moment of silence.

Hokuto huffed an embarrassed laugh, feeling his face heat up at the sudden compliment.

“No one’s told me that before,” Hokuto admitted. Who would have?

“No? Then I have to say it again: you are beautiful.”

“Thank you. So are you,” Hokuto said and meant it. Taiga was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen, he had already noticed that the first time he’d seen Taiga on the tram.

“Now can you please come here and kiss me?”

“Oh, I’ll kiss you,” Taiga grinned and walked to the bed. He put the small bottle on the bedside table before sitting down on the mattress.

“Can you lie down on your stomach for me?” Taiga requested suddenly and chuckled when he saw Hokuto’s confused expression. “Just for a moment. I want to show you something.”

Hokuto did as told and rolled on to his stomach. He hissed quietly as his erection squeezed between his body and the mattress. He tried concentrating on Taiga’s touch instead: how the other man ran his hand along the back of Hokuto’s thigh and onto his ass. Hokuto felt him squeezing the other cheek.

“I bet no one’s ever kissed you back here?” Came Taiga’s question, throwing Hokuto off completely. He felt Taiga’s fingers sinking into his butt crack and soon brushing over his hole gently.

Hokuto tensed automatically, squeezinf up his muscles there, and he shook his head. Taiga’s touch felt foreign but not unpleasant. His fingers circled Hokuto’s entrance gently a couple of times, while Taiga’s other hand stroked his thigh soothingly, and before long Hokuto relaxed again under his touch.

Next, Taiga spread his ass cheeks apart, and Hokuto only had a fleeting second to wonder about the strange feeling, before he felt Taiga’s lips on his hole and his mind went blank. Hokuto moaned aloud shamelessly as Taiga’s tongue teased the skin around his entrance, then lapped over it again and again. Hokuto grabbed the closest pillow and buried his face into it, muffling his cries. He arched his back and instinctively lifted his ass a bit against Taiga’s mouth. Taiga answered by pushing his tongue in and out a couple of times, earning another cry from Hokuto.

Taiga’s mouth disappeared but was replaced by his fingers. Hokuto saw Taiga reaching out for the small bottle on the night stand, and realized it was lubricant. Soon, Taiga’s now slick fingers brushed against his hole again, before Taiga carefully pushed one in. Hokuto concentrated on breathing evenly, willing himself to endure a while longer before coming. He wanted Taiga inside him, wanted to feel him there.

Taiga was ever patient and gentle with him, slowly adding second, then third finger, working Hokuto open.

“I think we can try,” Taiga said after a moment, pulling his fingers out.

Without a word, Hokuto turned back on his back. “I want to see you,” he said.

Taiga smiled, and helped Hokuto push his legs up against his shoulders. Hokuto grabbed the back of his knees, and watched Taiga pour more lube on his dick before fitting it against Hokuto’s hole.

“Let’s go slowly,” Taiga said. “Tell me immediately if it’s too much.”

Hokuto just nodded and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the pillow. He grunted when Taiga finally pushed in, slowly and carefully, and for a second the stinging feeling was all he could concentrate on. Taiga leaned down over him, nuzzling at his cheek.

“You alright?”

Hokuto took a couple of breaths, tried relaxing himself, and realized that the stinging eased little by little. He nodded and placed his hand on Taiga’s nape as Taiga started rocking his hips, thrusting into him.

“You feel so damn good,” Taiga breathed into Hokuto’s ear.

“Oh God,” was all Hokuto managed between his pants, as Taiga pounded deeper and deeper into him, or that’s how it felt. He clung to Taiga, buried his face in his shoulder, and felt his orgasm approaching.

One more thrust, and Hokuto’s whole body trembled, the blissful wave of pleasure washing over him like never before. He let out a muffled cry and spilled over his stomach. Taiga was still chasing his release, rocking his hips and panting by Hokuto’s ear. Hokuto pulled him into a sloppy kiss, and tried squeezing his muscles around Taiga’s dick, and soon he felt the other pulsing inside him and heard his low moan.

Taiga rested his forehead against Hokuto’s, catching his breath for a second. Hokuto felt him pulling out carefully before he lay down next to him.

“Well?” Taiga asked, grinning at him. His cheeks were nicely flushed and his hair was messy. And he was so beautiful.

“Quite amazing,” Hokuto said before he leaned in to kiss Taiga again. Oh, if they could just stay in the room, on the bed forever. In this wonderful fantasy.

They prolonged the illusion by showering together and then lying side by side on the bed afterwards, smoking. Taiga had apparently paid for the room until the morning, so they weren’t in any particular hurry to get out. Well, Hokuto kind of was, seeing he’d only told Aiko about working late again. But he didn’t want to go just yet.

Hokuto huddled closer to Taiga, watching him, mirroring his soft smile. Taiga was exceptionally hot like that, naked on the bed, wrapped in cigarette smoke. Hokuto wondered how often it would be possible for them to meet at hotels like this. Going back to the park after this would be difficult.

Taiga stroked his hair, the touch of his fingers against Hokuto’s scalp soft and lingering. Hokuto closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling.

Hokuto woke up with a start. He glanced around and it took him some time to remember where he was. The room was dim, only the bedside lamp was on. And the space beside him was empty.

Hokuto sat up, looking around the room, and he realized that Taiga had left. He noticed a torn paper on the night stand. It looked like it had been written in a hurry.

Sorry I had to leave early, I have an important meeting. Last night was lovely. See you
-T

Hokuto smiled at the note, and then thought to check his watch. It was indeed already morning, a bit after seven. Suddenly, a cold hand of panic grabbed his gut. He’d stayed out all night… He’d have to figure out a good excuse for Aiko later.

Hokuto grabbed the note, got dressed quickly and hurried out of the room and the hotel, stumbling into the sleepy streets of Shinjuku. The air was chilly, but Hokuto decided to walk to work to clear his head.

When he stuffed his hands into his suit pockets to look for spare coins to buy breakfast with, his fingers touched something else. Hokuto pulled out a business card, and his heart jumped as he read the name on it.

Kyomoto Taiga
Branch Manager
Fuji Bank

—

“You’re always working late nowadays, surely you can spend one evening with your wife?”

Aiko’s tone was accusing as she stared Hokuto down from the kitchen. Hokuto tried to find a good argument to throw back at her but drew a blank. She was right.

Aiko had been sick with worry and equally angry after Hokuto’s recent night away from home. Luckily, she’d bought his excuse about him staying at a capsule hotel that night due to a long overtime. But after that, she’d complained about his working hours more, and used every opportunity to blame him for not spending time with her like he should.

What's more, Aiko had recently taken a part-time job as a secretary at a nearby office, to pass the time and earn some more money for them. She really wanted them to get the newest modern lifesaver: a washing machine. Hokuto had thought it a good idea, as it gave Aiko something to do during the days, and maybe helped her to befriend people (and be less dependent on Hokuto). And she had.

Lately, when they talked, Aiko talked only about Sachiko, who was her coworker at the office. Sachiko was around Aiko’s age and lived in the same area with her husband. And now Aiko wanted them all to have dinner together. On Thursday evening. The very evening that Hokuto had been thinking of going to the park and meeting Taiga. Thursdays were usually the safest bet for both of them.

“It’s already been arranged, Hokuto,” Aiko told him. “Sachiko and Hiroshi are nice enough to invite us into their home, I don’t want to waste their efforts.”

Hokuto closed his eyes for a moment. There’d always be next week.

“Alright, let’s go.”

So instead of the park in Western Shinjuku, Hokuto found himself at a dinner table with Aiko’s friend and her husband. They lived in a similar apartment building, although their apartment looked slightly bigger. Hiroshi was a salaryman like Hokuto, and Sachiko, while now working as a secretary with Aiko, would soon quit as she was expecting a baby.

“We’re so excited,” Sachiko told them, all smiles. Then her face brightened even more as she looked at Aiko. “Imagine if you got pregnant too, then we’d be mummy buddies and our babies could grow up to be best friends!”

“Oh, I’d love that,” Aiko smiled. “But I’m afraid it’s not happening yet for us. Hokuto’s so busy at work lately I barely even see him at home.”

They all laughed at that, and Hokuto wished no one noticed how forced his laugh was. Aiko had said it in a light, joking manner, but Hokuto knew the jab had been deliberate. And again, she was right. In addition, to have a baby they’d need to be having sex, which lately, they didn’t. Hokuto couldn’t remember the last time.

“Hiroshi’s also working long hours lately,” Sachiko told them. “But the construction business is blooming with the city’s expansion right now, so it can’t be helped.”

“Right, I have to provide for my wife and my child,” Hiroshi said, looking warmly at Sachiko.

Meanwhile on the opposite side of the table, Hokuto sat still with Aiko beside him, watching this scene of a happy family that suddenly felt so foreign to him.

—

One morning the following week, Hokuto hurried to the park before work. He had to. He wasn’t sure if Taiga was going to be there, but he was ready to take the chance. He missed the other man like crazy. It had been almost two weeks since the hotel night.

It was raining, so Hokuto walked to their usual spot under an umbrella, peeking from under it from time to time. He also kept checking his watch; he wanted to wait for Taiga but he couldn’t spare to be too late for work. He wished there was an easy way to contact the other man instead of always playing the waiting game at the park…

Suddenly, Hokuto remembered the business card. Like Taiga’s handwritten note, he’d kept the card with him, looking at it or just feeling it on the bottom of his pocket. But now, when he checked the pockets, the card wasn’t there. Stupid him. He had worn a different suit to work that day, and had forgotten the card in the other pocket.

Just then, his sinking feeling was interrupted by the rustling of leaves. Hokuto looked up and saw Taiga standing there under an umbrella. Hokuto dropped his when Taiga walked closer, allowing them to stand under the same shade.

“I can’t stay long, I have a meeting soon,” Taiga said immediately, sounding apologetic.

“It’s alright,” Hokuto assured. “It’s just good to see you.”

He grabbed Taiga’s face and kissed him needily. He stroked Taiga’s hair and breathed in his scent. Hokuto had missed him so much.

“Is everything alright?” Taiga asked when Hokuto finally pulled away.

“My wife,” Hokuto admitted after a short silence. "She's had enough of me coming home late." He wouldn't have wanted to talk about Aiko with Taiga, but he supposed the other man should know.

“Oh. Do you think she's suspecting something?"

"I don't know," Hokuto said, the thought already scaring him. But Aiko wasn't stupid. "Maybe."

"Should we keep low profile for a while? Not see each other?” Taiga suggested carefully.

“No,” Hokuto said immediately. “I mean, maybe we should, but I don’t want to. I need to see you.”

Taiga’s smile was warm. “Alright. Maybe we could meet again, say, next Monday? And talk properly?”

“Sounds good,” Hokuto agreed before pushing Taiga against the tree trunk and slipping a hand into his pants.

Before they parted afterwards, Taiga kissed him a bit longer and a bit deeper than usual. Hokuto wrapped his hands around Taiga’s waist, under his jacket. When they broken the kiss, Hokuto buried his face against Taiga’s shoulder. He missed Taiga already. These moments of theirs were always too fleeting, slipping by in a blink.

—

That evening, Hokuto was in a good mood when returning from work. He was whistling as he walked home from the tram stop. For once, he had left a bit early, and had even dropped into a bakery near their office and got small pastries for Aiko and him to eat as a dessert.

When Hokuto opened the front door, he expected to walk into the homely smell of dinner cooking. But he was greeted with a quiet, dim apartment. No smell of food. Frowning, Hokuto walked into the living room area and found Aiko there, sitting by the table, staring quietly into the distance.

Suddenly, Hokuto had a bad feeling.

“I’m home?” he greeted.

For a moment, Aiko didn’t answer or react at all, just continued staring out of the window.

Then.

”Who is Kyomoto Taiga?”

The question seemed to ring and echo disturbingly in the quiet space. Hokuto felt like a bucket of ice cold water had just been poured over him. No, no, no, this cannot be—

”Answer me!” Aiko commanded, finally turning to face Hokuto. She had tears in her eyes. ”Who is he?”

”I… I don’t know what you’re—”

”Don’t lie to me!”

Aiko threw something on the table, two pieces of paper, and Hokuto’s stomach turned when he saw what they were.

Taiga’s business card and the crumbled note he had written to Hokuto in the hotel room.

”I was going to brush your suit jacket,” Aiko started explaining, sounding slightly hysteric. ”And I checked the pockets since you always leave old receipts and stuff there… And then…”

She let out a heartbreaking sob. Hokuto took a step closer to her, feeling numb all over, but she got up and backed away.

”Who is he, Hokuto?”

Hokuto couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. He just stood there, deflated, beaten, not daring to look at his wife.

”All this time I thought… I thought that maybe you had some young, cute office lady at work, and that’s why you’re always coming home so late. But—but a man—”

”Aiko—”

”Am I not enough for you? That's why you won’t sleep with me?”

”That’s not it,” Hokuto muttered weakly.

”Then what is it? Do you want a divorce?” She said it like some ugly swear word.

”No, I don’t…” Hokuto knew that wasn’t an option for them. Their parents would never allow it. ”Look, Aiko, I’m sorry. Let me explain—”

”No. I don’t want to hear it.” She glared at him. Tears glistened in her eyes and she was breathing heavily.

”You’ll never see him again, do you understand? Never.” She looked furious, but suddenly also determined. She spun around and looked out of the window again.

“You will never see him, and we will forget that this even happened. Yes, that’s the only way. It was just a momentary aberration on your part, right. We’ll never talk about it again.” Aiko was reciting the words like a plan she was coming up with for them. “If you want this marriage to last, you better agree.”

Like a confirmation to her words, Aiko took Taiga’s business card and the note in her hands and tore them to pieces.

—

After that, Hokuto stopped going anywhere. He only went to work and got right back home, even declining after-work beers for a couple of weeks after the incident. He was hopeless, lost, and always thinking about Taiga who he couldn’t meet. But he also didn’t want to ruin his marriage completely, so he tried to do as Aiko demanded.

Hokuto’s life was back to being mundane, dull, colorless. At work, Hamada kept asking if he was alright and he just had to lie with his best fake smile. At home, Aiko was content with him coming home at decent hours, and she was trying her best to play the perfect housewife like before. But it wasn’t like before. Something had shifted for good, no matter how much she tried to pretend otherwise. The mood at home was heavy and their conversations curt and superficial, dying a lot quicker than usual.

Hokuto had taken to going to bed early, because he had nothing else to do during the long evenings. Sometimes, Aiko would join him, pressing close to him on his futon, kissing his neck and palming him through his underwear. They had sex a couple of times, or tried to. Hokuto knew Aiko wanted a baby, so he tried his best to do his duties as a husband, but it proved to be difficult. Often, Hokuto was able to finish by thinking about Taiga’s mouth on his dick, or the way he had pounded into Hokuto on the hotel bed.

As the days and weeks passed, Taiga invaded his thoughts more and more, no matter how he tried to stop it. The ache inside him grew to be overwhelming. He missed the other man and was miserable without him. Day after day, he was walking in this thick mist, not really seeing anything, just getting through work and the evenings like a robot. At night, he dreamed of the park, dreamed of kissing a man or having his cock sucked by a stranger. He often woke up with an erection and yearning that just didn’t go away.

One day at work, Hokuto finally cracked and asked his supervisor if he could have a longer lunch break that day. Hamada happened to hear him and helped to persuade their boss, probably still feeling sorry for Hokuto. With the permission, Hokuto flew out of the office and took the familiar tram to the park.

He knew it was unlikely for Taiga to be there during lunch hour, especially on that day, but for once Hokuto didn't care about that. He approached the usual spot, and even at that hour he didn’t have to wait long for another man to come loitering about. Hokuto met his eyes and held his gaze. The man was older than him and burly, wearing a black suit and a felt hat. He nodded his head towards the woods. Hokuto followed him.

The man took Hokuto into his mouth and sucked him off quickly, yet even that left him feeling empty and dissatisfied for some reason. As soon as they were done, the man stood up and walked off. Hokuto stayed, leaning against the tree, and despite himself thought about Taiga again. Was it men he craved after all, or just one certain man?

When Hokuto got back to the office, he grabbed a phone book and flipped through it until he found a number to Fuji Bank. He picked up the phone and dialed the number with shaky fingers. It was worth a shot. At that point, he just wanted to hear Taiga’s voice.

After the call had been connected, a bright female voice spoke in his ear.

“Fuji Bank, how can I help you?”

“Um,” Hokuto mumbled, then cleared his throat. “I’d like to speak to Kyomoto-san, the branch manager.”

“I’m afraid he’s not available right now. Can I take a message? Who’s calling?”

“Uh… Never mind,” Hokuto said, suddenly panicking, and slammed the receiver down.

Hokuto shut the phonebook and let his head drop against the desk with a thud.

—

Hokuto tried to be good. He tried his very best. He continued going straight to work and returning straight back home. He started avoiding the park. He even commuted with a bus sometimes to steer clear of the area altogether. He spontaneously gave flowers to Aiko, praised her cooking and started sitting with her in the living room again during evenings, listening to the radio or reading books.

And yet.

After a couple of weeks, Hokuto got off work surprisingly early one day, and on a whim, he hopped on the tram again on his way home. As the carriage rattled on, Hokuto realized that he had over an hour before Aiko would be expecting him back…

Hokuto hesitated by the tram doors but in the end hopped off at the stop by the park and let his steps take the familiar route through it. Still on his way, Hokuto noticed a man who was walking a bit ahead of him, throwing glances over his shoulder. The man slowed down a bit, and Hokuto mimicked him. After a couple of dozen meters, the man turned around, gave Hokuto a quick once-over and smiled at him. The man was tall, tanned and handsome, and Hokuto followed him under the trees.

The man stopped earlier than Hokuto would have, pulling Hokuto against himself under a big oak tree. Hokuto wanted to ask him to go a bit further, more out of sight, but when the man pinned him against the tree and claimed his lips, all the thoughts escaped him. Hokuto wrapped his arms around the man, kissing him back almost desperately. He felt himself getting hard, and let out a grunt when the man opened his pants and took his cock into his hand. Hokuto fumbled with the man’s belt buckle to return the favor.

The man’s pants by his ear grew more frantic as Hokuto started stroking him. Hokuto himself tried his best to enjoy the moment, though he wished the man would quicken his pace.

Over the man’s shoulder, Hokuto stared into the distance, through the green shadows. Suddenly, he spotted a man walking between the trees not far away from them. Damn it, this is why he’d wanted to go deeper—

Out of the blue, the other man glanced at their way. He was partly concealed by branches and leaves, but Hokuto thought he saw the familiar striped suit, the fair face, the slicked back hair…

“Taiga,” Hokuto breathed out, freezing.

“What?” The man muttered. “Can you continue?”

Hokuto saw the other man turning and continuing through the woods, disappearing behind the trunks too soon.

“No, wait…” Hokuto muttered to himself. If it really was Taiga, he couldn’t let him get away.

Without a warning, he pushed the man back.

“Hey! What’re you doing?”

“I’m sorry,” Hokuto spluttered while hastily zipping up his pants. “I saw someone—I need to go. Sorry.”

With that, he rushed to the direction the-man-that-could-be-Taiga had gone, the other man’s insults following him. Had it really been Taiga? If yes, why did he have to see Hokuto like that, with another man? He hadn't been to the part in weeks, hadn't been able to meet Taiga at all, and now this... Frustration filled him, and Hokuto had half a mind to shout aloud that the random man was just a faceless fling, nothing more.

Hokuto scrambled through the trees, out of breath and sweaty, and soon he saw the road peeking again on his right.

No sign of the man.

Hokuto returned to the road, glancing wildly around him, but saw no one in a striped suit. He started striding haphazardly back the way he’d come, hoping to catch Taiga if he happened to be walking back to the tram stop.

But Hokuto didn’t see him. It was like the man had disappeared into thin air. Where had he gone? Was he angry with Hokuto? Disappointed? If Taiga would just know how much Hokuto had thought about him and missed him over these long weeks and months, how much he'd wanted to come and meet Taiga. How much all this killed him.

Near the park gates, Hokuto flopped down on a bench, catching his breath and trying to swallow the bitter disappointment. The more he thought about it, the more unsure he was. Maybe it hadn’t even been Taiga. The man had been far enough, and Hokuto couldn’t be sure.

Hokuto closed his eyes and tried to recall the man. He saw the striped suit and what he thought were the familiar facial features. But the man in his mind slipped away too, becoming foggy and unclear the more Hokuto tried to remember.

A tear rolled down from the corner of his eye and Hokuto wiped it off, blinking away the rest as he stood up and returned to the tram stop.

When Hokuto got home, he took off his shoes and padded to the living room, flopping down by the table. He sat there for a moment before he noticed that Aiko hadn’t welcomed him home. When he looked around and called for his wife, he realized that she wasn’t at home.

That was a first.

After maybe half an hour, when Hokuto sat in the living room with a tea cup and a cigarette listening to the news on the radio, he heard the front door open.

”Welcome home,” Hokuto called immediately.

”Oh! You’re here already,” Aiko said as she walked into the room. She looked and sounded slightly out of breath. ”If I had known you’d get off early today…”

”It was a surprise to me, too,” Hokuto said. ”Where were you?”

”Oh, just… I saw Sachiko,” Aiko said quickly.

As his wife settled in the kitchen to prepare the dinner, Hokuto turned his attention back to the radio. He wondered in passing if his excuses had always sounded as fake.

—

During the following weeks, Hokuto saw Taiga all around the city.

Or so he thought. He saw a glimpse of a striped suit jacket in the crowd in Shinjuku, saw a familiar looking profile at this or that tram stop during his long commutes. Sometimes, he thought he heard Taiga’s laugh at an izakaya after work, or saw his lean figure at a crossroads near the train station. Taiga seemed to be looming at every street corner, among every crowd. But always, when Hokuto looked again, it was someone else or no one at all.

Hokuto kept flipping the phone book at work, staring at the number to Fuji Bank, but he never picked up the phone. He also found himself staring at the address that was in Western Shinjuku, until some of his coworkers came over and borrow the phone book.

Hokuto knew the location and the phone number of Taiga’s workplace, yet somehow it felt like the other man was out of his reach completely. It wasn't like he could just march into the building like that and demand to meet the branch manager.

Unless…

Later that day, Hokuto once again got home to an empty apartment. Aiko had lately started doing longer days at her secretary job, and Hokuto was fine with that since she seemed to be in a better mood thanks to the job. And right then, Hokuto was thankful for the alone time. He lit a cigarette, grabbed a pen and paper from his briefcase and sat down by the living room table to write.

The next morning before work, Hokuto navigated his way to the Fuji Bank building in Western Shinjuku. He would be late for work, but he needed to do this before he'd lose his nerve. He waited by the building for it to open, pacing nervously back and forth, secretly hoping to catch Taiga among the workers who walked through the doors. He didn’t.

Once he could enter, Hokuto walked through the intimidating huge wooden doors and headed to the information desk on the right side of the vast shiny hall. At the desk sat a pretty lady with flawless curls and makeup.

“How can I help, sir?” She gave him a pleasant customer service smile.

“Um, I have a letter I’d like to have delivered here in the building, is that possible?”

“A letter, sir? To whom, if I may ask?”

“To Kyomoto-san,” Hokuto said, his heart pounding. He placed an envelope on the desk. “Is it possible?”

“Yes, it is,” the lady said. She took the letter, read the recipient details and then flipped the envelope over. “Do you want to write who’s it from?”

“No, thank you, that’s not necessary.”

“Alright. We’ll deliver it together with today’s post later.” The lady dropped the envelope to a box on her right, smiling at Hokuto. Hokuto smiled back, suddenly feeling lighter than he had in weeks.

—

Hokuto had written a formal business proposal at first, sealing it in the envelope. After that, he had included his actual letter, where he had explained everything. Well, everything he possibly could. He had used feminine words and written it vaguely enough, just in case it would somehow end up under someone else's eyes than Taiga’s. But if (and when) Taiga read it, he would immediately know who it was from. And he would come and meet Hokuto again, at the time he suggested.

*

Hokuto will go to the park. Taiga will be there, like always. Wearing the striped suit, hair combed back, handsome as always. They’ll meet at the usual spot, and retreat under the trees. They’ll hug and kiss and maybe have quick blowjobs there before retreating into a love hotel nearby.

They’ll talk like they promised, and will find a way to continue their arrangement.

Aiko will be busy at her own job (her own affair?) and won’t notice one or two late nights. They won't talk about it. And eventually, she’ll be pregnant and they’ll be able to play happy family like others around them.

Taiga will understand. They’ll continue like before. They’ll have good talks and even better sex, they’ll chain smoke and lie in bed all day and night, ignoring responsibilities altogether.

But above all: they’ll be together, and everything will be fine. It will happen.

Hokuto will go to the park again, and Taiga will be there.